I’m no lawyer, but I’m going to do my best to translate Oracle’s lawsuit against Google on a section by section basis.
1. Delaware? California? We are omnipresent through a post office box somewhere. We have a customer in California, and Google is there too. It just so happens Delaware is a super friendly place to be for giant corporations and has beautiful snow at Christmas. Ever see White Christmas? Crap, that was Vermont.
2. Delaware? California? They are omnipresent through a post office box somewhere. We have a customer in California, and Oracle is there too. It just so happens Delaware is a super friendly place to be for giant corporations and has beautiful snow at Christmas. Ever see White Christmas? Crap, that was Vermont.
3. This lawsuit is about some ideas some engineering guys had and some marketing guys put a name on, but more importantly, some crap that got mailed to the USPTO as quickly as possible so we’re not the poor douchebags on the other side of this lawsuit.
4. Yup, Northern California.
5. Google does business here! Did we cover that one yet?
6. Business is SELLING THINGS,all over the place! which includes Northern California, where Google does business. Did we cover that one yet?
7. NORTHERN CALIFORNIA!
8. We’re Oracle, and in case you didn’t know, we’re awesome. I mean, like, REALLY awesome. Larry Ellison comes to the office every day by ejecting from a MiG for Christ’s sake. We bought some stuff from another company a while back, which means we own it, because that’s what happens when you buy stuff, it’s YOURS.
9. We got Java with all this fun stuff. We’d like to think it’s made of code and documentation, and some other stuff. Don’t ask us to clarify other stuff, the sentence just sounded better with three direct objects. Maybe the “materials” portion means a secret substance straight from the bowels of Mt. SGML given up by Tim Bray himself to turn XML into stack traces which when read aloud by Gosling impose super powers on those who hear the mesage. Maybe not. Point is, lots of people use this stuff. and it’s pretty cool. We think Java did all this stuff that’s never been done before, more on that after we take some time to again reflect on how badass we are in the next section.
10. To avoid being sued by douchebags, the guys at Sun filed some patents.
11. We own this stuff. All of it. Did I mention we give it away for free?
Here’s the important part:
Oracle’s Version of #12: So it’s all JAVA JAVA JAVA JAVA Dalvik, AMIRITE? These are all things Sun… err we did on phones first so long as you cryptographically signed your phone numbers before dialing and collected all your favorite pokemo… midlets. Hey! Google is just giving this crap away!
Google’s Probable Version of #12: So yeah, there’s a wee bit of stuff that looks like Java. It might even be Java. Sorta. There’s some words that look like Java, there’s some other stuff that is Java, the program on people’s computers that makes Android programs runs in Java (sorta). But Dalvik isn’t Java. It won’t run Java apps.
13. In case the pile of patents earlier weren’t sufficient, here’s some more light reading.
14. WE ARE SO MAD AT YOU GUYS! YOU TOOK OUR DUDES! And not just ANY dudes, CERTAIN DUDES WHO JUST SO HAPPENED TO WORK ON JAVA… BECAUSE YOU HATE US AND WANT TO TAKE OUR STUFF!
15. Google does business in Northern California.
16, 17, 18. There’s no Prior Art really.
19, 20, 21. There’s no Prior Art go away.
22, 23, 24. May have over extended ourselves here. Let me zip the patent up and send it to y…. wait, can’t without violating a law.
25, 26, 27. “No, really, we just made that one up COMPLETELY. You ever seen the Web Economy Bullshit Generator? Sun had one of those on a Ultra 1 they kept around for grins, except it mailed stuff straight to the USPTO and we were hoping lawyers would bite.” – Anonymous Former Sun Engineer
28, 29, 30. Did you notice the trend where not only Google are a bunch of bad people, but they’ve sullied the reputations of anyone who’s bought their products? I mean, they’re REALLY bad people, and you should be MAD. How are your feelings?
Ok, it gets really bad and I can’t go on. I REALLY can’t comment on “PRAYER FOR RELIEF” coming from Oracle on page 9.
It does end with them asking for the destruction of Android completely though. Fat chance, just ups the damages.
Did I mention all this stuff is free?
